I hear you - you want to become a doula and wonder how you’ll ever manage self employment, kids, and the special difficulties a doula schedule brings. Hi, I am Amanda, I am a single mom who works two jobs. . . kinda like Reba sang . . . I work a few jobs, but I never really feel that way.
The short of it is YES. YES you can do it. Is it challenging, sure? Worth it? YES! The keys are - know where your support is and create a plan that works for your family.
Single parent and want to become a BESTie? Here’s a hand for you, because we see you and you’re not alone.
I am a doula, childbirth educator, IBCLC, and one of the founders and trainers of BEST Doula Training. I think of it as wearing a lot of hats that are all part of the same outfit. I have three kids who are, as I write this, 14, 11, and 9. I have been involved in birth work since before they were born and have navigated it through a marriage, the marriage’s unfortunate end, and as a single mom. I have a shared 50/50 custody schedule with my ex who is pretty amicable about switching days and whatnot as needed. It’s no Goopy celebrity post-divorce relationship, but we are able to move our children between us pretty smoothly. I do not have any family closer than 8 hours from me, but I do have friends and a boyfriend who love me and support me and are willing to help me out when I need help juggling my little people. It is in my divorce decree that my ex is backup childsupport for me. This wasn’t a point of contention - I just have a weird job :) I’m including some of these details, because the resources and relationships we each have will make our situations all a bit different.
Let’s get a few things out of the way first that are juggles - single or not.
1. Entrepreneurship.
There are definitely some perks to self employment. Most of the time I am able to adjust my work schedule so that I am available to bring my children to school, volunteer at their events, pick them up for school, hang at the park, be their chauffeur for classes and play dates, and have lots of time together as a family. The sort of con is that when you’re self employed as a birth worker, your phone is kind of always on you and there’s always 10 more things you need to get done that feel pressing. Work-Life balance is a struggle coupled with your children’s other parent or not.
2. Being a Working Parent.
Being a working mom means that some of my time has got to be spent working - ‘cause you know . . . food, roof, clothes, bills. I find being away is actually more challenging as my children age, but this may be a matter of perspective and living in the now. That said, when they were young, although it felt like they needed me constantly, other people were able to care for them and they jumped back into my arms without pause when I came home. As I write this I am returning from an incredible BEST training weekend and have just finished watching videos of my duaghter’s performance in the musical Chicago, which I missed because I am a working mom. I am so appreciative of her dad, my friends, and boyfriend who went to the shows and sent me pics and videos. Coupled with their dad or not, I will miss things and they let me know about it. I’ll be there for the Nutcracker next weekend, though and we plan to watch those Chicago videos together.
In my life - like all moms, unfortunately - it is me who is navigating raising children, schools, parent/teacher conferences, complicated schedules, play dates, friends, setting rules and limits and ultimately trying to raise good humans- single or not the emotional labor of it all is there.
With those ideas kind of out of the way, let’s dive into this birth worker life as a single mom.
On Call Time - I am on call for my doula clients from 38-42 weeks of their pregnancy and single or not this is the hardest part of being a doula. At this time I need to be able to run to them if they ask me to. The good news is that the random/sudden 3am call that means I need to run without any preceding info is pretty rare. Sure, people wake up in labor in the middle of the night, but most labors take a little while and it’s unlikely they need me straight away. My schedule kinds of looks like this:
8pm - Kids go to bed
6am - Morning Wake Up
7am - Leave the house
8am - All kids have been dropped off
2:30pm -Begin school pickup
4pm - school drop off complete and kids are home or wherever I need them to be
I have a person on call for me in the middle of the night, who will come to my house, to call just in case I do get that random call. I can also call their dad and bring them to his house. By contract I have 2 hours to get to my client from the time I am requested, but I can often manage this far faster. Am I always a little nervous that these humans won’t answer their phone? Yup.
I actually hate moving them or calling in support in the middle of the night and have managed to never have needed to do that (knock on wood). I do this by communicating with my clients. I want to know if they are feeling any contractions/signs of labor. If it seems they are in early labor I contact their dad and, remember I said we could amicably move kids and be flexible, he has been willing to take them. Sadly, this has meant I have once woken up still in my bed and missed a night and morning with my kiddos. Bummer. But, still better than that middle of the night move, I think.
If my client does call me at say 4am, my pondering is where are they at in labor, how soon do I anticipate them needing me, and can I get the kids ready for school and arrange for their dad or others who love us to manage school drop off for me. If this isn’t their dad it will involve two individuals/families because my kids go to different schools quite a distance from one another and I don’t expect anyone to make the crazy hustle I do. Or, will I be able to do it all and arrive at the home/hospital/birth center at 8am. This isn’t always a clear call to make because unfortunately I can’t ring into the little one coming earthside and ask them when they’ll be cranking up the labor or to hold off a wee bit.
My ponderings look fairly similar for a 2pm call . .. because I am gearing up for school pickup and once that ball is moving I’ve gotta finish it so I am kind of locked in until 4pm which means the earliest I am going to be able to join a client is 4:15-5pm depending on distance and traffic.
The thing is . . . I think most of this looks the same even if I was coupled with their dad. The biggest difference is the overnight part. The most complicated overnight has gotten for me was a time I really knew a client was heading to labor and I would probably be called out, the kids dad had planned to go out of town and I didn’t know, boyfriend was not in town, on call night person was not on call that particular night, and I couldn’t manage sleepovers for everyone . . . so I called a doula friend who made herself available to either come sleep at my house or come over if I called her. I let my kids know that she may be there in the morning if I were gone and i had managed rides to school for them all.
Okay . . .so that’s how I manage getting off to the client. Now comes the part when I don’t know when I’ll be home. It might be the same day, but it’s likely I’ll be home the next day. During that time my life kind of freezes and I am moving with the life of my clients. While I am there my kids are still moving forward. The most likely scenario is that their dad will pick them up and manage everything with them until I have had opportunity for a nap and can jump back in. I am always appreciative that he understands that although I am home, a few hours of sleep is really needed and not a luxury. In the case he couldn’t jump in I would ask their friends if they’d help out and let them hang until I am home from work.
Lucky for us doulas, people genuinely love what we do and more often than not are invested in the excitement of a wee babe joining our planet. With my client's consent, I often rejoin my life with a pic of the new baby and everyone is excited to see it.
I have spoken with other doulas who have drop in day care facilities and lots of different arrangements for on call childcare. Some pay someone to take call and some pay an hourly rate if the individual is called.
What I know is that sexism is alive and well in the workforce and coupled or not, if you are a mom it’s likely that the burden of childcare falls on you . Childcare centers close, kids get sick, sitters back out, and we are the ones who have to navigate those uncertain waters.
Whether your children are babies or teens - tell them that you love them and the necessity of you working and the impact you have. My children know about the state of maternal healthcare, the injustices, how babies make their entrances here, how I help families welcome them and feed them, that I have to work to care for our family and I point out the sexism when the pressures and expectations of me are not also placed on their dad. I tell them that I schedule myself very heavy when they are with their dad so that we can have as much time together as possible. The absolute saddest part of being divorced is that I only spend 50% of the time with my children - but I might argue that this makes me far more conscious of the time I have with them and how important it is.
I tell my children when I am tired. When I miss them. My dreams for me, for them, for us. It is vulnerable and honest. I do not wear a super mom cape. Most of the time I feel I am so far behind struggling to keep up. But, if I am honest with myself, I kind of felt this way inside of my marriage too.
Recently I had the opportunity to take a consulting and acting gig on a tv show that I thought was exciting. I turned it down because of the hours involved and how I wouldn’t be able to pick them up from school, spend my days with them (it was on my cust days), etc. They looked at me straight on and with firm voices told me - “Mom! Do it! Someone else can take care of us!” I was absolutely called out. Their support filled my heart and I did the gig. My boyfriend and friends showed up and really made it do-able. Maybe more on that later. :)
Families can look so many ways. Your family can absolutely be led by a doula.